For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]
This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter...
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.."
"My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old."
"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot."
"I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
"I lost a button hole today."
"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."
"When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...... I was an only child........ eventually....."
"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."
"Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug..."
"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
"Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was..."
"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."
"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."
"One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going too fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me."... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..."
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".
One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.
What's another word for thesaurus?
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...
I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
Today I...........No, that wasn't me.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
I've writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.'
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.
I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!!
(Ad he did for a local student radio station:) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me...
Today I dialed a wrong number....The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said," Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies.
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it...I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an exact replica!" He said, "Do I know you?"
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my name is Denice." I said, "Hello, Denice. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So, I pushed 'Phoenix'. A few seconds later, the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?" I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money." I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
Right now I'm having vu ja de--deja vu and amnesia at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ...
I like to reminisce with people I don't know ...
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ...
And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
Sponges live in the ocean; imagine how deep it'd be if they didn't.
I like to go to the museum and name the Untitled paintings: Boy with Pail, Woman on Horse, Kitten on Fire.
I drove home one night and pressed the TV remote control instead of the garage door opener. The whole house changed. I pressed it again, and the house changed. I kept pressing it until I got my house back. I parked in the driveway and went in through the front door. I sat in front of the TV and pressed the garage door opener. The screen started to rise, and there were little rakes and things in there.
My friend has an answering machine on his car phone. The message says "I'm in right now, so leave me a message, and I'll call you when I'm out."
I walked my dog to Florida and back. Then I told him "now you're done."
I borrowed some records from my friend to make tapes of them, but I had the cables backward. I returned these blank, black vinyl disks.
I want to push a baby around in a stroller for twins. (make motions of pushing a stroller and looking all around with a concerned expression.) "I don't know, officer, he looks just like this one." When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
I wired my brake lights to my gas pedal. Now, when I accelerate, people say "what kind of car is he driving?"
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store---"Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I took a baby shower.
I was skydiving horizontally
I washed mud, off of mud.
I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
"So, do you live around here often?"
Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
t doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
It it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It
told me it was none of my business.