Oliver North Discreet Financing skit

	Event:		Friday Night Live
	Presented:		Spring, 1988
	Performed by:		Solo Speakers

Fawn Hall is sitting in the chair upstage. North approaches her.

North	Here, shred this document
Fawn	(starts tearing the document into tiny pieces). Colonel North, why can't we get a real paper-shredder?
North	It's not like we still work for the government; we have to pay for this stuff now.
Fawn	I'm not complaining; I get really excited by this job and working for you. I feel that I'm still serving my country.
<Phone rings>
North	North & Hall Limited. Financing: Creative, Convenient, and Confidential. <begin taking notes> <Pause> Yes, we're very discreet, sir. Do you have a particular figure in mind? <pause> That's quite a bit, sir, it might take a couple of days. <pause> May I inquire who this is? YESSIR, I understand implicitly!! Do you want to speak to my associate about our Preferred Client Benefit Program. <Fawn looks up, rolls eyes, heavy stare, cold look at North -- shakes head.> <North looks at Fawn aghast/hurt, covers mouthpiece with hand> Fawn, this is business. <returns to phone> Oh, I understand, Sir, nothing special. We'll reconvene this discussion at 14:00 tomorrow for an update; your code word is chrysanthemum. <hangs up>
North	Fawn, this is it, our Big Break. <Hand Fawn his notes from the call> Here, start shredding this.
Fawn	Who was on the phone, Colonel?
North	Texaco needs financing. Desperately. They're counting on us to bail them out of their lawsuit. We need 9 and a half billion dollars, FAST.
Fawn	I can spare a million from my Swiss Bank Account.
North	Thank you for the sacrifice, Fawn, but there are other people out there who also deserve the opportunity to serve their country. As President Reagan once advised me, "there's more than one way to skin a democrat." <dials phone>
North	Hello, Jim? Oh, that's you, Tammy Faye, I get you two confused all the time. Is Jim around, this is extremely important. <wait> Jim, have I found an excellent investment opportunity for you. It's way undervalued, and you can have, nationwide, 8000 stations to hold services at. <pause> I see ... nothing. How about going on a worldwide fundraising tour? < North lowers voice> Jim, you have the inside track here. No, not even Falwell knows, you have my word as a United States Officer. <chest swells, chin juts , ...> <pause, heavy sigh> I'm disappointed, Jim. <pause> Thank you, Jim, your prayers will be appreciated. <hangs up>
Fawn	No luck, eh? Why not try Donald Trump, he's got money to spare.
North	No good; he's too clean. We don't have anything on him. But there's another colleague with whom I've done business in the past. Maybe he can come through. <dial phone> Operator, I'd like to place a collect call to the Ayatollah Rasheek Al-Khazim Beni-hana Khomeini. <pause> Hey Benny, how's the revolution? <turns to Fawn> He's run out of staff members to execute. <Returns to the phone> Sorry to hear that. But Benny, let me tell you about a deal I'm putting down here. I can get you distribution nationwide for all you can produce. We're talking 8000 service stations. <pause> Well what if I throw in a hundred hostages. <pause> Still not good enough? What? Who? (looks at Fawn) Yeah, she's still here...
FAWN react angrily!!!
North	Uh, no good, she's allergic to, ah, sand, yeah, that's the ticket, she's allergic to sand. <pause, angrily> Well I'm sorry you feel that way, Benny, watch out for silkworms tonight. <slams phone>
Fawn	Colonel North, why not call Donald Trump?
North	I'm doing just fine myself, thank you! I haven't run out of rich oilmen yet. <dial> Hi George, this is Ollie. What do you mean Ollie who, OLLIE. Think back, oh, I get it, okay, we'll pretend that you don't know me yet. George, I need some money. No, don't hang up! George, I know things haven't always worked out well for us in the past, but this time's different...it's a sure thing. <Fawn looks up to verify that he's not referring to her, but he's not> George, wait, let's talk votes; you do this for me, and I can deliver the state of Texas. <pause> Awww George, be a man for once. Hey, put Barbara on the line, she's more reasonable. <react quickly to phone being hung up by Bush -- looks at phone, shaking head> It's enough to make you go Democrat.
Fawn	I'm telling you, Colonel, Donald Trump spends 1 billion on just his laundry every week. Call him.
North	Fine, I'll try him if that'll get you off my back.
Fawn	1-800-976-C.H.A.T.
North	An 800 number, excellent fiscal responsibility. Hello. Yes, ma'am, this is Colonel Oliver North, and I'm calling for Donald Trump. N - O - R - T - H, North. No, ma'am, I'm not with Selective Service. Purpose? Uh, I need a high-rise barracks built, yeah, that's the ticket, in Long Island. Why? Well, uh, national security, ma'am; on advice of the Attorney General, I've been instructed to speak only to Donald Trump. Thank you, I'll hold. (turn to Fawn) I'll wait 10 seconds before giving up on him. (count fast) 1 - 2 - 3 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 ...
Fawn	You skipped 4.
North	Did not.
Fawn	Did too.
North	Did not.
Fawn	Did too.
North	Did not, oh, good afternoon, Mr. Trump. My name is Colonel Oliver North. O - L - I - V - E - R, Oliver. I'm calling about ... what do you mean my time's up?
<Fawn gets up and takes phone>
Fawn	Donnie, this is Fawn. Nice to talk to you, too. We need some help. Can you spare 10 billion? Now Donnie, remember all those things you told me? And remember how much money you bragged about having? All I'm asking for is a measly 10 billion. <pause> I didn't tell you Donnie, but I haven't shredded all those letters you sent to me. Good. No, don't put it in the mail, use Federal Express. Nice talking to you, too, Donnie. Stay in touch. <hangs up> Whew, what a full day. Colonel, I'm going to Happy Hour; good night.
<Fawn walks out, goes to barstool, bartender gives her a drink>
<Jim Nichols>is already sitting in the barstool next to hers.>
Nichols	(to audience) It's frustrating. You rehearse over and over those clever lines to use when meeting an attractive woman, and when the time comes, all you can think of is <to Fawn> Haven't I seen you somewhere?
Fawn	Could it be Toastmasters? (Continue with Jim's Tall Tale about Fawn Hall.)